ringsandcoffee | (no subject)

I miss when you worked a stones-throw away from my school.
I miss being able to call you to have dinner, even though we didn't go THAT often.
I miss you calling me between work and kung fu, when I would harass you for taking 3 showers a day and you would make Chloe and Spencer "talk" to me.
I miss you calling when you'd drive back from Tucson, even though I didn't always answer.
I miss singing along to whatever songs we liked with you.
I wish we could go to Chicago again.
I miss being woken up on Saturday mornings with repeated IM chimes, buzzes, and characters that spoke Tagalog. The latter usually drove me out of bed.
I miss the Quest meetings where I often almost forgot I was the teacher and wanted to smack you for being silly and, well, you.
I miss when I'd hurt my own hand trying to punch you in the arm.
I miss laughing at you as you practiced tai chi.
I miss you constantly "misunderstanding" something I said and always thinking I said something dirty.
I miss weekends at the shop.
I miss taking pictures.
I miss sharing my culinary goods with you.
Remember my first attempt at hummus, when I forgot to add the tahini? You still ate it.
I miss being able to reminisce about kitty litter lattes, since no one else gets it.
I miss your voice.
I miss your silly faces.
I love the fact I finally got to cut off your hair.
I'm amazed at how small you look lying in that hospital bed.
I wonder if you will ever wake up.
I wonder if you will be happy when you do.
I hope you know that many, many people truly love you and miss you.
~~~~~~~~~

You just never know what you will feel until you go through something. I've known others who have grieved a loss, but never really understood it until this happened. Even when I lost my dad, I didn't take it nearly as hard. I understand misplacing feelings, and wanting to seek comfort in inapproprite places. I get how grief can be mistaken for other feelings, or how it can make you wish for something you really shouldn't have. Or something that doesn't exist.

Really, I am ok. He is still here, but we don't know if he'll ever be aware. I think about him often, but I am not too sad. Just miss him. Sad that he was hurting so much. I've started wearing the bracelet I bought in Nogales. It wasn't like he was my best, closest friend ever, but he was my good friend.